In the past few years I have been trying to journal consistently. This year I haven't done so well. But I'm trying to do better. The other day I got out one of my older journals and was reading through some of my entries. It's weird how it immediately takes me back to those emotions I was having at the time. That's what I love about journaling though. I tend to forget what my week was like last week let alone 2 years ago!! It's a great way to see how my thinking has changed or unfortunately sometimes has stayed the same though it needs to change. It's neat to look back at the road we've walked and where it's brought us. I only wish there was a way to see where it was taking us!!!! Wouldn't that be helpful?!? Or maybe not. Maybe that would be a little "scaredy", as my nephew Jack would say.
As I read I just want to scream "thank you" to God for His amazing faithfulness, not just for walking with us through the difficult times we've had but also for teaching us something while in them. You know, it's a hard lesson to learn sometimes, but God is not here to fulfill our every desire and wish. I think if He did that we end up worse off then we were before. He is here to reveal Himself to us so we'll know Him more, so that we'll believe that He is good ALL THE TIME, no matter what He brings into our lives. Sometimes I think I have a learning disability! I should know by now that my plans for my life are not always (not usually) God's plans. I have learned that it is better to have no expectations, although I haven't learned How to do this!! It's so much easier said than done. In one of my journal entries from last year I wrote, "I'm learning more and more that God is not so interested in my plans for things. I think I have great solutions to our problems and tell Him those solutions. I'm sure He's saying to me, 'Well that's okay, Jan. I've got things pretty much covered. I don't really need your solutions!' But still I get disappointed when things don't work out the way that seems easiest. ....I wish I could see the Big Picture. That is not granted to me but what is granted to me is the grace to make the right choice in my thinking and attitude, the grace to choose trust and faith over worry and fear."
I found this great prayer that I think sort of sums up the way I want to think:
"Take from me, O Lord,that self-pity which love of myself so readily produces, and from the frustration of not succeeding in the world as I would naturally desire, for these have no regard for your glory, Rather, create in me a sorrow that is conformable to your own. Let my pains rather express the happy condition of my conversion and salvation . Let me no longer wish for health or life, but to spend it and end it for you, with you, and in you. I pray neither for health nor sickness, life nor death, Rather I pray that you will dispose of my health, my sickness, my life, and my death, as for your glory, for my salvation, for the usefulness to your church and your saints, among whom I hope to be numbered. you alone know what is expedient for me,. You are the Sovereign Master, Do whatever pleases you. Give me or take away from me. Conform my will to yours, and grant that with a humble and perfect submission, and in holy confidence, I may dispose myself utterly to you. May I receive the orders of your everlasting, provident care. May I equally adore whatever proceeds from You." Blaise Pascal
I feel like my thoughts are sort of scattered today so I apologized if this is all over the place and doesn't seem cohesive. I guess what I'm saying is that when I look back I can see God's hand directing and guiding to where we are now. I see that He's been faithful to continue to teach me despite my hard-headedness, and He will continue to guide and teach in His goodness, and He IS good. And this is why He can be trusted even when the road is bumpy and full of curves and I can't see where in the world it's going. I can see, as I look back, that God is in control of it all. It's encouraging to me and it reminds me that I need to let go of the worrying and trying to figure it all out. There is rest in His sovereignty. Peaceful rest.
As I read I just want to scream "thank you" to God for His amazing faithfulness, not just for walking with us through the difficult times we've had but also for teaching us something while in them. You know, it's a hard lesson to learn sometimes, but God is not here to fulfill our every desire and wish. I think if He did that we end up worse off then we were before. He is here to reveal Himself to us so we'll know Him more, so that we'll believe that He is good ALL THE TIME, no matter what He brings into our lives. Sometimes I think I have a learning disability! I should know by now that my plans for my life are not always (not usually) God's plans. I have learned that it is better to have no expectations, although I haven't learned How to do this!! It's so much easier said than done. In one of my journal entries from last year I wrote, "I'm learning more and more that God is not so interested in my plans for things. I think I have great solutions to our problems and tell Him those solutions. I'm sure He's saying to me, 'Well that's okay, Jan. I've got things pretty much covered. I don't really need your solutions!' But still I get disappointed when things don't work out the way that seems easiest. ....I wish I could see the Big Picture. That is not granted to me but what is granted to me is the grace to make the right choice in my thinking and attitude, the grace to choose trust and faith over worry and fear."
I found this great prayer that I think sort of sums up the way I want to think:
"Take from me, O Lord,that self-pity which love of myself so readily produces, and from the frustration of not succeeding in the world as I would naturally desire, for these have no regard for your glory, Rather, create in me a sorrow that is conformable to your own. Let my pains rather express the happy condition of my conversion and salvation . Let me no longer wish for health or life, but to spend it and end it for you, with you, and in you. I pray neither for health nor sickness, life nor death, Rather I pray that you will dispose of my health, my sickness, my life, and my death, as for your glory, for my salvation, for the usefulness to your church and your saints, among whom I hope to be numbered. you alone know what is expedient for me,. You are the Sovereign Master, Do whatever pleases you. Give me or take away from me. Conform my will to yours, and grant that with a humble and perfect submission, and in holy confidence, I may dispose myself utterly to you. May I receive the orders of your everlasting, provident care. May I equally adore whatever proceeds from You." Blaise Pascal
I feel like my thoughts are sort of scattered today so I apologized if this is all over the place and doesn't seem cohesive. I guess what I'm saying is that when I look back I can see God's hand directing and guiding to where we are now. I see that He's been faithful to continue to teach me despite my hard-headedness, and He will continue to guide and teach in His goodness, and He IS good. And this is why He can be trusted even when the road is bumpy and full of curves and I can't see where in the world it's going. I can see, as I look back, that God is in control of it all. It's encouraging to me and it reminds me that I need to let go of the worrying and trying to figure it all out. There is rest in His sovereignty. Peaceful rest.
4 comments:
Jan,
That post was SO GOOD! The quote from Pascal was wonderful, and exactly what I want to pray. I always cringe to hear people ask God for things that I'm not sure they, or any of us, are truly ready to bear... I don't trust my own heart nearly enough to ask for trials or difficulty. I would love to print it, but my printer is being very fickle lately. It doesn't always want to do what I tell it to, so... hopefully it will, later.
I have to write the quotes that leapt to MY mind as I read your post...
"We aren't commanded to know what is predestined. In fact, we are forbidden to know it. We test God when we delve into unsolveable matters...what we cannot know, we should leave to God. We should stick to our responsibilites, vocation, and position in life. God and God alone knows what is predestined. You aren't supposed to know...
So, we should concentrate on our duties, not whether or not something is predestined... Let the future remain in darkness. Let it stay secret and hidden. In the meantime, we should do what we know we ought to do. We should live by God's Word and the light it has given to us."
Martin Luther, who also wrote,
"I have often said, 'Oh, Lord, would you please do it this way and make it come out that way?...' I said to myself, 'This is a good suggestion that will bring honor to God and expand His kingdom.'
Undoubtedly, God must have laughed at my so-called wisdom and said, 'All right, I know that you are an intelligent, educated person, but I never needed a Peter, a Luther, or anyone else to teach, inform, rule, or guide me. I am not a God who will allow himself to be taught or directed by others. Rather, I am the One who leads, rules, and teaches people.'"
I think that last quote is made more powerful by the fact that when Luther said, "I never needed a Peter, or a Luther..." It was like us saying, "I never needed a Peter, or a Jennifer..."
but because Luther learned those lessons well, his name rings differently in our ears today. And even more powerfully, our names are ringing equally so in God's ears.
Good, good post. I know what you mean about wanting to scream, "thank you!" when you read your journals... I feel the same way. We grow by degrees, and it isn't easy to spot as you're living life. Journaling opens our eyes to that growth a little more, and what an encouragement it is along the way.
I so often find myself trying to "prepare" for the worst. Imagining the worst of circumstances and thinking "if expect these things, then I will be prepared when the trials come" LIES! So I'm wasting the blessings God has given because I'm preparing for him to take them. Martin Luther's quote reminds me I can never be prepared for those things. Its called FAITH. My perspective is so skewed. I have journaled on and off in my life, mostly OFF, but it is so true to look back and see where and what God has done. I need to journal more, its such a cathartic (sp?) process. Sometimes writing things brings perspective in a way you wouldn't experience otherwise. I'm sure yall experience this as you write your blogs. Anyway, thanks Jan (and Jen too) for reminding me of that and maybe pushing me a little closer to picking the "habit" back up!
Ashlie, I know exactly what you mean. I do the same thing! So far through my own experiences I've realized that things that do come our way are things we didn't expect (so how could we be prepared for them). And when they do happen God's grace is there for us for that specific thing in that specific moment. I know you've experienced that before too. I think you and I think a lot alike sometimes! In fact, I was laying in bed last night having those exact kinds of thoughts. I actually think it's a cheap trick of Satan's to cause us to like you said, not see the blessings of today, and also to distract us so we're not looking forward to the future. Proverbs 13 talks about how the godly woman "smiles at the future". I was reminded of that last night as I was laying there worrying. I want to be hopeful about the future and not worrisome.
I know this is deeply personal to you, Jan, but thank you for your willingness to share your heart. I think God is going to use you to touch the lives of many others, starting here at home.
We love you,
Mom and Dad
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